I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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