does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
