but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
