I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
