If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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