every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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