he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
