You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
