When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
