I only kidnapped one of them. chill
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
