Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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