I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
