you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
