I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
