The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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