it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
