And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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