Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
