The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
