"it" just moved
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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