Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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