fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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