I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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