Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
