Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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