that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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