babies were throwing up all over the place
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize