Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
