A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
