The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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