I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
