i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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