Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize