yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
