don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
