Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
