i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
