I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Randomize
