I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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