im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
