The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Bring me that man meat
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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