I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
