so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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