Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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