Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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