No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
