Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
