so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize