2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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