don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
