Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
