He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
