Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My breath smells like gin and sadness
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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