please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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