So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
