It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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