I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
