Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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