plz talk dirty to me
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
