Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize